Spring in Winter

There is a coffee mug, in my collection, of green and white with trees and sparrows for designs. I found it at the Dollar Tree. I use it for tea when I feel like, or hot chocolate when there's a craving. But it's spring and new life and starting over and for me. I could wax eloquently on about, but there's too much about the mug and the symbolism to try.
I'm in Hannibal again, my beloved city, with it's infuriating drivers, soothing rivers, and continually surprising population. I don't even care that I'm working for a company that most people view as sub-par or that I'm tsk'd at for even considering working there. It doesn't matter. I'm not intending to stay with the job forever, but right now, it's a good starting place.
I'm living with a friend and her family. They are more than generous about offering me anything I need. I don't feel at home, though, and that is nothing on their part. I don't have a lot of my things, there is no way to really personalize the space I have to call "mine," and it's just... not mine. But there is a sense of... completion, a wholeness I have lacked for so long. I'm home. This town, these streets. It's everything I love. And right now it's everything I need. And I don't give a flying rip how cliche that is.

The Gated Saint

He dazzles me.

Lights twinkling and sparkling like gems glittering on his freshly pressed suit. It's crisp and perfect, fitting in every way, his coat-tails hiding the pockets that would ruin the illusion. But I don't care.

His mistress greets me proudly, knowing she is the heart, the Gate to it all, but welcoming the strays such as me into the inner sanctum. She's both tall and diminished. Her partner charms all those inside, old and new, yet she above all is in her element and cherished as a mother.

We go out on the town, leaving the silent guardian to stand above us. He shows me the sights and sounds and smells of it all, careful to shuffle all harm away, but I don't care. He dazzles me and I am swept into the spell, the lie, the dream. Night after day, every minute my senses alive to a new opportunity, a new chance. Time flies here and I'm left drunk in all that surrounds me.

Far too quickly our time ends and my wings arrive to transport me. He's out welcoming the new arrivals, so I depart in quiet longing of one. more.

A tear trails a path down my face as I leave everything but the physicalness of me behind. And as I watch him dwindle, I see her, the first and last of him. She stands proud above it all, fading into the dark telling those he's left for new

I'll be here when you return.

My Mind Rebels at Stagnation

It's late and as usual my mind is far to restless for sleep, though I have to be up in less than seven hours for a 12 hour shift at work. So this month's post is going to be bulleted ... bulletted? whatever. thoughts in points. and perhaps bad punctuation and grammar. Maybe not.

• It's critical to me that you know my favorite color or at least the basic shade. Since I see the world in colors different to other people, colors that have meaning and are interpretted as emotions, you knowing that sea-foam green is my favorite and that I see myself in varied shades of that base color means that you comprehend me a little better than most and you value me. When I ask you your favorite color, it is not out of a random place in conversation. I am either trying to place a color on you, one that I know will help me think of you and your favorites, or I am curious as to if the color I see for you is the same as your favorite color. Colors matter. Please respect that.
• If I am awake and on my laptop late at night, that does not mean I wish to talk to you. It does not mean I wish to interact with you. It means I can't sleep, can't slow my brain, and must find a way to filter out the thoughts. Please don't talk to me. If I was awake because of restlessness that needed to be shared, I would find you and talk.
• There's a potential I could be changed from BTM at WDW. I hope it happens soon and I can go part time. A job here would mean not returning to Hannibal, but it would be an interesting life.
• I wonder when the last book of Wheel of Time will be published and if I will have time to finish the other three before it comes out. I wonder when  Sherlock will start filming. I miss that show.
• Yes, actually, you having the TV on does bother me because you will leave the room and the TV will still be on. Not because you think I want to watch, but because you don't actually pay attention and only want the noise for it. Also, the show you're watching is disgusting.
• Why do I still want to snuggle with you? You're seeing somebody. I miss the connection with you. You were the first one I found here in Orlando that had more than just a passing interest in something I was interested in. You even like the same books as I do.
• Follow you down to the red oak tree as the wind moves ... beneath the hollow reeds...
• I hate not remembering all the lyrics to a song.
• I'm changing the URL and title of this blog. Well. Not the sugar with madness part. Except that may become the URL. Then I'll just need a new title. That would be easier than the other. Hmm. But this isn't a Disney blog and I hate blogging about Disney b/c it's mostly depressing and I don't like being depressing and a downer all the time. So it's going to be what my old blog was: an online diary of thoughts, life, and occasionally what's on my future planbook.
• 53 hours is a really long time. And one day off sucks. I would like two days, please.
• I'm planning on doing NaNoWriMo again and my story is Robin Hood as a pirate. I think it's turning out to be pretty epic. Or not. I don't know. I've also got a Sherlock Holmes thing in the works. But everybody is an animal. So yes, Sherlock is an otter and Watson is a hedgehog. Still tossing around ideas for Hudson. Chicken could work. She's basically a modern-human version of Lady Kluck from the animated Robin Hood. I just don't feel like a chicken fits the theme. I miss writing. I can't wait to have an excuse to do it more/ have something as a goal that motivates me.
• Why is the heart the seat of emotion? There was a weird eHarmony commerical. Made me think about it.

I'm taking longer to write bullets so I'll leave these 50 shades of Elle as your monthly nugget. Maybe I'll have something to post about later. Who knows?

Oh. It's Sings sweet beneath the hollow reeds. I think.

Stolen

Of all the representatives, of all the people, you had to be mine. And you had to come back into my life right when things were starting to look a little less bleak. You had to be the one to step in and remind me that I've got to fight for or against everything I've ever wanted. I can't fight back this time. I'm tired of the choices I've had to make, tired of deciding which one is going to hurt less so I can live with it and not deciding which one I want more. You're not helping, but maybe this is just another nudge to leave. Maybe I'm not really ever supposed to belong to one place, but to people instead. I'll just be an object, loved dearly, but placed on a shelf when it's time to grow up. This object had a place to rest, but the shelf got dirty so the cleaners threw the object out. I can't say I wish you the best and happiness, because I don't. I wish you would get out. I want my home back. You've had one, and while you're not there intentionally to hurt me... it still does.

Ramblings

There are those people who, once they've graduated, never seem to leave. They always return to the school and hang out and pine about the olden days. I swore I would never become one of those people. I thought it was dumb and didn't get the concept. You only meet people, spend four years with them, and then leave. I never thought about how long four years actually is. I also never factored in the sense of home that a place could bring. I want to go back, but I don't. I'm terrified that if I do return, I a) won't ever leave again and b) wouldn't be welcomed back like I hoped. It's such a weird mix of emotions. I'm not sure if it would be the best idea, the worst, a mediocore one, or just another bridge in life.
I've found where I want to go to school in England, but realistically that will be a while before I can go. In the meantime, what am I supposed to do? I can barely afford bills right now; how am I supposed to start paying off student loans?
In other Disney related news:
I've turned in my migraine paperwork. We'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll hear back within a week or so.